Two Weeks and Counting

It’s two weeks from today that, hopefully, my life will change for the better.  Two weeks from today I will go in and have a surgery that is supposed to give me my life back.  The life that I was just beginning a little over two years ago.  The life that I was too scared to start until I finally became more frustrated with the dishonesty than the fear of failure. The life that I was very happy living for over a year.  The life that I am looking forward to starting up again.

In the meantime I have been trying to prepare.  I have been cleaning, getting things organized, keeping those things organized, and

Tired. So Tired

I am so tired of hurting…emotionally and physically!  I can handle one or the other almost indefinitely but both at the same time seems to wipe me out pretty quickly.  The last couple of years has had a lot of both almost non-stop and I feel wiped.

A little backstory.  

“That’s Payment Enough”

I was talking to my second daughter’s boyfriend’s father tonight.  He is a wonderful man with a heart the size of the universe that has adopted my daughter as his own…and I have adopted his son as mine. The first time I met him he was on his riding lawn mower with his ear buds in his ears listening to his music mowing our yard…because he had heard from his son that we didn’t have a lawn mower.  He looked at mowing the yard as his “me time” and even mowed another neighbor’s yard for the same reason.

When Will I Let It Go?

In May of 2014 I was hired as a cashier of a small retail chain through the southern states.  I loved my job.  It got me out of the house.  It paid the bills.  It gave me the means to maintain my independence from the girls’ dad (long story that I may share at a later date).  This job was fun, physically demanding, and rewarding.  And four months to the day I was promoted to assistant manager.  I was very proud of myself.  I took pride in my job.

Being Me

What does that even mean…being ME?  Who am I?  I was born, I have grown physically from an infant into a toddler to a child to a teenager (who miraculously survived) to a young adult to an actual adult (that is somehow supposed to know what I’m talking about) to now a middle-aged adult that is looking back on her life and realizing that I have no clue as to how I have gotten where I am.

Minor Meltdown

This has got to be the craziest thing I have ever thought about doing in my entire life, but for some reason I can’t get the thought out of my head. Probably because I’m scared to do it and I hate to be scare to do anything so before I talk myself out of doing it, I’m just going to type it out and go from there. I’m actually considering writing a letter to Ellen and Caitlyn Jenner about how I hid my entire life and missed out on life up until the last couple of years and now I have 4 wonderful children that are now teenagers who are looking for me to guide them into this world and all I have to offer them for advice is how to hide. I’m such a hypocrite!